Relationships-Hindrances to Good Listening Skills

If listening opens the pathway to anther's soul, why is it so hard to listen?

It could be that some people are hesitant because of the time and energy it may require. It does take a loving and humble heart to take responsibility for caring about what one learns. To listen well and not respond will cause greater pain than if the message were never heard.

In marriage, the choice has already been made to give up part of one's autonomy and to have a second life intertwined and interdependent with yours. To avoid dealing with the details and reality of a partner's inner emotional life out of laziness, selfishness or fear is a form of desertion.

Listening isn't an easy task.

Others struggle because they don't know how to listen. Listening is hard. Good listening requires the ability to detach from one's own strong emotions, desires, and goals in order to emotionally enter anther's world – to understand and care about it. Here are some reasons why good-hearted people struggle with listening.

Emotional flooding.

People become poor listeners when they are consumed with their own thoughts and emotions while their partners are speaking. They can't put themselves in someone else's shoes because they are too worried about making their own shoes fit better. They have feelings of, "What about me?" and these feelings sometimes surge to the surface, despite your best intentions to listen to your partner. This may be connected with their own emotional history and lack of trust that their own needs will not be met.

Sometimes the inability to concentrate can be dealt with by being listened to first. Once they have expressed their own issues and felt listened to, the emotional intrusion will hopefully subside.

Overload.

Another problem with poor listening is being overloaded with too much information at one time. This can be as simple as the speaker going on and on, well beyond the limits of one's attention span. Sometimes it could be the significance or emotional intensity of what is being said that can produce an overload.

This problem can be corrected by interrupting your spouse and letting them know that you need to summarize your understanding before they proceed further. This will help your mate know the limits of your attention span. You can also help your spouse know when you are starting to lose emotional control and that it is beginning to interfere with your ability to listen.

Interruptions.

Another problem is the unwillingness of the listener to allow the speaker to finish their line of thinking before intruding with one's own ideas or reactions. In ordinary conversations, we speak at a rate of between 125-150 words a minute and we can comprehend about twice that much.

What do you think our 300-word-a-minute mind is doing when our partner is speaking at 110 or 120 words a minute? We think our own thoughts, jump ahead, assume we know where our partner is heading, prepare our rebuttal or helpful advice, and become anxious. Finally, we cut to the chase. We interrupt with our golden nuggets of wisdom – or worse.

To become a good listener, learn to control and hold your thoughts by following this simple rule: When you are listening, you can only summarize in a caring way about what is being said.

You can't give your own opinion, counter-argument or ask leading questions until you have gained the floor in the conversation. Then you are free to turn loose your 300-word-a- minute mind on what your 110-word spouse is saying and do a wonderful job of listening.

You shouldn't be anxious to "take the floor" until your partner is fully satisfied that he or she has been understood. Use good conversational etiquette to inquire if there is anything else that should be said before requesting the floor. Interruptions, except for issues around attention span, are not constructive.

Be curious and concerned.

Learn to ask open-ended questions and draw your spouse out by helping them express even deeper meanings that might have been originally intended.

Non-verbal communication such as body language, a soft and warm tone of voice and inflection communicate emotion, caring and interest. Appropriate touch also communicates concern and tenderness.