Relationships – Sibling Rivalry Between Adult Children

Here is a guest post by my neighbor, Donna. Thanks Donna for the great contribution.

When they were five and seven I thought that they would grow out of it. At 15 and 17 I thought it was "just a stage." Now at 24 and 26 I know it isn't their age or just a stage that they are going through, it is bona fide sibling rivalry. I have to admit, it has made my life quite difficult and family get together's less than fun. So, I am on a mission to help my children at least come to a truce. Can we find peace among us? Bigger question, can my adult kids ever get along?

The first recorded instance of sibling rival, Cain and Abel, ended in less that ideal circumstances. Sure, that is sibling rivalry taken to the extreme, but I can certainly attest to the fact that it can sometimes get pretty hairy! Then Freud came onto the scene who labeled competition between siblings as they rival each other for parental attention and love. So what is a parent to do?

Psychologists say that, of course, parental treatment plays a part in sibling rivalry, but gender, life experiences and even genetics are influential. This means that the parental approach to diffusing the rivalry depends on many factors and each approach is as different and unique as each child. But I have a plan.

I will give each child some "just us" time. I am going to spend individual time with each of my kids and not drop one when the other comes in. I admit, if I am talking to my older son and my younger son comes in I do tend to gravitate to my youngest son. When I step back and look at the situation, I see that my oldest son will stand around for a while, then he will eventually just drift away. He does it so quietly that my younger son and I don't even notice that he has gone. That is a change I will have to make on my part, but I want both of my children to have their individual time with me. Better late than never!

I don't play favorites, but I have asked my older son from time to time why he can't be more like his younger brother. My older son is quiet and somewhat withdrawn. I don't feel that I connect with him on the same levels that I do with my younger son. My younger son is full of life and laughter, he never meets a stranger. When he walks into a room he fills it up. I see him and I see my baby. I am going to find the special things in my older son. He is very gifted in music and writing… maybe I will start there.

I am also going to set down some new ground rules in my home:
* If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Sarcasm will not be allowed. Neither will criticism and belittling.
* Think before you speak – or act for that matter.
* When emotions begin to run high, take a break.
* Don't ask questions unless you really want to hear the answer.
* If you have a complaint, sit down and talk about it. Don't let it fester and build resentment.
* Take responsibility for your actions – for your part in the rivalry. Don't play the blame game.
* Learn to LISTEN.
As a Mom, I can't control what they do outside of my house, but when they are within my walls I call the shots.

I think that the biggest thing, though, that I can do to ease my children's sibling rivalry is to love each child for who they are. I think that I am going to have to make a lot of changes in how I treat my children. I may have played some part in why they are the way they are today, but I never intended for that to happen. When I step back I can see things that I have done or that I do now that would exacerbate the rivalry. One thing that comes to mind is when my oldest son comes to me and tells me of an accomplishment, I find myself telling him of some great feat that my youngest son accomplished. I can see now that I take the spotlight off of my older son and constantly redirect it to my younger son. I never really thought about it, but I imagine that it hurts and makes him feel inadequate and maybe even invisible.

From now on I will make sure that both of my boys know that they measure up, that they each have special skills and I will celebrate each one's successes without shadowing it with the other's accomplishments.

Sibling rivalry can have nothing good come from it. Children miss out on the wonderful experience of the closeness of a brother or sister. It can cause children to feel inadequate, flawed and even unloved. It can destroy their self esteem and confidence. The bad thing is, these ramifications can occur at any age and they can last a lifetime. I guess we never stop being parents to our kids.