Relationships-How Much Do We Help Our Adult Children – 5

As parents, we also need to remember that our adult children are that, adults. We must not try to control them through emotional or financial blackmail. The old "My way or the highway" or "Do it my way or else" is often not the best way to put expectations to your adult child. You need to hear them out in whatever delicate manner they might bring to you and then voice your feelings and opinion honestly.

You should always make it clear to them that your advice is just that advice and that they are free to take your advice or ignore your advice. You need to let them know that while you might disagree with them, that you love them just as much as you did before and you always will. You need to give them your emotional love and support even if they don't take your advice. If you put strings on your love and support, you are not negotiating a reasonable agreement on any help you give your adult child.

You should also accept the in-laws wholeheartedly. Your son or daughter's primary loyalty should be to their spouse. You need to relate to them as a couple and don't try to have a "special" relationship with your child that might force them to be in conflict with their spouse. You also should not take sides an a marital dispute. You should be noncommittal and a good listener but refer them to professional counseling or to the clergy, if necessary.

If they should divorce, you need to look at your loyalties and offer your own child the special support that they will need. This does not mean that you should alienate the divorced spouse especially if there are grandchildren involved as that can directly affect your access to the grandchildren.

Your relationship with your adult children and their families can be the most rewarding in your life. It is important to remember that relationships work well when there are healthy boundaries, mutual respect, good communication and a clear understand of how and when to give help to them

This is the last of the miniseries on Relationships-How Much Do We Help Our Adult Children. Thanks for reading them.