Relationships-How Much Do We Help Our Adult Children – 3

We left off talking about the guidelines for helping your adult children. Are we enabling or interfering with the natural steps towards taking responsibility for themselves if we bail them out? It is very hard for us to stand by and allow your adult children to experience the consequences of their poor decisions.

We should allow them to initiate any requests for help. We should not offer to help but let them ask for assistance. They may surprise us and start to take responsibility and they are the best judge of when things are beyond their control and what help they may need. They must understand the any assistance that they request from us is temporary and is an exception to their normal abilities to handle their affairs. We should not offer to help before they ask for help as we my be stunting their abilities to decide how to handle any difficult situations that life is full of.

We can say no and still love our children. By letting your adult child struggle, it will help them in the steps towards maturity. They should grow from their mistakes and by doing too much for them, you may be stunting their growth and development towards maturity. It is difficult to parents, especially if you have money to help the children without harming your own finances, to know when to be supportive when offering to help their adult children.

If you continue to bail out your adult children by rescuing them and covering for their mistakes, they may never develop any maturity and will be perpetually at your door with their hand out. Not every request that they may come to you with will be justified and this is where your judgement will come into play. The request that they have must be an exceptional request rather than the regular "fix" that they have come to expect.

It is important to not let them intimidate your with emotional blackmail, verbal abuse, threats of dire consequences, withholding love or access to your relationship with them or their family. You may suggest that they seek help with their problems with counseling or other professional help.