Relationships-Adult Children, How to Give Advice Without Telling But by Suggesting

One of the most difficult transitions of parenthood, is to acknowledge that our children have become adults. We're in the habit of telling them what to do, or doing things for them, for eighteen or even more years, and then things seem to suddenly change. The child no longer seems to want or need our guidance or advice, and it's difficult to say anything without them seeming to feel as if we're still trying to tell them what to do.

Unfortunately for many parents, the long engrained habit of telling our children what to do can take a while to break. We're used to telling our kids what do to for their own good, and to keep them safe. Once those kids become adults however, they feel they're free from having to do what they're told. One of the primary things kids actually look forward to as an adult in fact, is that they won't have to "do what they're told" anymore. This seems like the ultimate freedom. I remember in the Marine Corps that the primary reason that 17 or 18 year old kids joined the Marine Corps was that they were tired of their parents and their teachers telling them what to do. This was in a setting where you had to get permission to go to the bathroom, talk about irony.

Kids don't realize of course, that they'll have to do what they're told in one way or another all throughout their lives. Whether it's having a job and a boss, or obeying the law, they're still doing what someone tells them to do. The main difference however, is that Mom and Dad are not supposed to be the ones that tell them what to do once they're an adult.

Once your children become adults, it may be a very difficult habit to change, but it will be very important habit for you to work on consistently. Instead of telling your adult children what to do, you'll need to learn how to make suggestions instead, and maybe offer opinions when they're asked for. Sometimes however, you actually just have to learn to keep your mouth shut until the adult children actually ask you for suggestions and opinions… and sometimes that's the hardest part about the entire process.

If you start trying to make these changes slowly while your children are in high school however, it can help a great deal. This way, the change is not as abrupt as when they reach adulthood.

Keep in mind that your adult children will need to adjust to these changes as well. They will feel a heady sense of freedom once they're out on their own, and they may misunderstand simple gentle suggestions at first. They may still see these as just another way you're trying to tell them what to do, and they're likely to try and resist all of those attempts in the first several years of their adulthood. If you start the process when they're about sixteen however, it can help shorten the transition period once they go out into the world on their own as adults.

Making suggestions to your adult children will take a bit of practice though. You may find yourself leaning towards the parental telling habit more often than you want to at first. To help keep the suggestions as gentle and non-intrusive as you can though, try to think before you talk, and also be sure to listen fully to what your adult children are saying. When they feel you're listening and trying to understand their issues, they'll be more open to the idea that you're actually trying to help them with the solutions.